Playing World of Warcraft can Save Your Life

Faced by a dangerous situation in RL? Don't panic, you can handle it. Just remember the skills you have developed while playing World of Warcraft.

If you follow what Hans Jørgen Olsen did, you can overcome any RL encounter and gain valuable experience needed progress to the next level.

Odin.

The Horde

Ever since the blood elves were included into the horde, the horde forces have nearly doubled!

Pro Tips for Hunters

Most people will agree that hunters are the easiest class to pick up, but the hardest to master. That's a load of aardvark shit, it's actually really easy to be the best hunter with my 6 pro tips.

1) Pull a Leeroy before the tank has a chance to pull

By doing this, you are doing your group a favor. It forces them to react and learn how to deal with sudden, unexpected mobs. They will teach themselves how to properly utilize their cooldowns and adapt to new rotations to handle such sudden pulls, and dps as hard and as quickly as they can to effectively clear the pull. If you Leeroy a boss, then kudos to you. You are a good hunter forcing your group how to play well and deal with emergencies. Bonus points when a healer is low on mana. This teaches healers how to heal effectively with low mana resources. More bonus points if the group wipes, the lesson learned will be how not to die next time, all you need to do is pop feign death.

2) Turn growl on

Although tanks seem to hate this, they are wrong when they nerdrage rabies and froth at the mouth when your pet uses growl. They claim it fucks up their tanking rotation, but no rotation should be static, it should be malleable and adapt to new circumstances. Another bonus of having your pet tank mobs, is that healing your pet is cheap, and if it dies, it's no big deal if you can rez the pet for the next pull. Also, even if your pet does die, it means one less mob for your tank to deal with.

3) Need roll on everything

This is a good way to fill up your bags and sell green, blue, and purple junk to vendors. Others may complain, and say that hunters no longer need spell power and should no longer be rolling on spell power gear. However, what they don't know is that you are doing them a huge favor. You are testing and training their luck. If they're not lucky enough, they won't get the loot they want. If they want the loot, they have to increase their luck in general. If the group kicks you, then it's their damn fault they'll be unlucky low rolling losers for the rest of their life. They can chew on grey vendor gear.

4) Turn on Aspect of the Pack and go AFK on harder pulls or boss fights, then go consume a tasty sandwich or a thirst quenching drink IRL

Again, this stems of tip 1. You are teaching your group how to adapt at clearing a pull or boss encounter at much less movement speed and dps (since everyone knows all hunters do the best dps, and if the Recount says otherwise, their Recount is wrong and we should be up top). Speaking of Recount, this brings us to the next tip.

5) Spam Recount dps meters after every pull and boss fight

By actively forcing your group to see that you are number 1 on the dps meter, and that everyone else sucks major steaming shit, it forces them to believe they need to push themselves harder. It's not really spamming now that I think about it, but more like reminding how much better hunters are than other classes.

6) Talk shit about everyone else, and how horribad they are at their role

No one likes a cock sure smart ass, duh. But this is the only way to reason with people who are not playing up to their full potential. By criticizing and pointing out every fault of each player (true or not), they will become more aware of their faults (although they may be quite defensive about it) and will attempt to play better so as to prove you wrong. This is win-win. If they play better, than you can clear pulls faster. If they play the same or shittier, than you are right and they are wrong, and that is the most important thing. Because you are right, you should rub it in their face so they can live the rest of their life in shame knowing you were right and that they push keyboard button fail. Hopefully, they learn from this.

Now that you everything you need to know about being a pro hunter, get out and go on the random dungeon queues and do us proud!

Cataclysm Alpha/Beta on Private Servers for Tuesdays

Obviously, those who don't work or school will be trying to periodically login to play WoW on Tuesday mornings, only to trip over their own dicks when they realize all the servers are down. For those with serious withdrawal symptoms and would rather die in their own filth then to go a day without WoW, fear not, there are private servers.

Even better than a regular WoW private server is a Cataclysm private server. How and where can I find one you ask? Here is a link to setting up the client/download: http://fluxflashor.net/forum/cataclysm/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=4 and here is the private server to connect to: http://darkfiregaming.com/index.php.

It is legit and I can confirm there are no malware of any sort (and if there is, haha you dumb sucker). The first link is just on downloading the leaked Cataclysm alpha/beta download installer (you cannot actually play without a real beta account from Blizzard). Fortunately, there is a thing for the eager types called a private server. The second link is to a private server site, and what IP to change your realmlist to.

However, there is one problem on this particular server when I last played on it. It uses the MaNGOS private server, and many configurations are not set. This means every player can use GM commands on their own character.

In short, you have a bunch of players with Thunderfuries, Thor'idals, Warglaives of Azzinoth, Shadowmournes, and Ashbringers with full top tier pvp gear sets dueling each other. Because the server is only emulating what they believe is on the actual testing servers, the world is entirely barren, save class trainers, weapon trainers, mount trainers, tier set vendors, and other players.

Players also have flight mode and super speed, meaning they move around the world really fast and can press jump to freaking fly!

The most fun part is that when you pvp some noob who thinks he can kite you because he can fly and move super fast, is to use a macro you prepare to turn off his flight mode and change his movement speed to slower than on live servers. He takes falling damage and has BoP hamstring'd for life.

Then he becomes the angry sore loser who will nerdrage and set your level to 1, effectively resetting all your talents.

And yes, hunters have focus and there are dwarf warlocks and troll warlocks creatable!

AMG 2 SEAT FLYING MOUNT

So recently I was searching around WoW related websites (with my epic fail dialup interwebs) and stumbled upon this. I'm very excited about this being added into the game, although I'm now trying to figure out who I could possibly recruit in order to get this recruit-a-friend reward. Sadly all my friends play already, or refuse to play for fear of having their souls sucked out through their eye sockets. (I didn't find that process all that bad....and being soulless is...kinda neat?) Anywhooooooooo, I thought this was cool. And thought I'd share, even though you pplz already knew about it...

For those of you who have it already, it must be a good feeling knowing that you have someone you can rely on in your bitchseat. Remember, you can always slap that hoe around to keep them in-line. :( I want someone to keep in line! /cry

This thing reminds me of those coin operated rides you find outside the sketchy Walmart. Maybe if I don't find someone to recruit to get this I'll just go to the mall and hit some kids riding the ones in there...and then laugh at fat mall cops trying to catch me. Unless they're Worgen Rogues, then they have 2 sprints! :O

Pedophiles in the World of Warcraft

With over 11.5 million subscribers to the World of Warcraft, you have to wonder how many of these players are total creeps in general. Let's narrow it down to the most dangerous of motherfuckers. Pedophiles. Using the Fermi problem as an estimation model, let's make a few basic assumptions.

1) There are at least 2.5 million players in the WoW population in North America.

2) There are at least 490,000 registered sex offenders in the US.

3) About 2 of 3 sex offenders did super illegal stuff to under-aged people (are pedophiles).

4) There are around 309,153,000 people in the US.

5) There are around 528,720,588 people in North America.

Based upon the above assumptions, we can estimate the number of pedophiles in the US:

(fraction of sex offenders that are pedophiles in the US) x (all sex offenders in the US) = (pedophiles in the US)

(2/3)*490,000=326,667

Now given the US and North America populations, we can extrapolate that there are

(fraction of pedophiles in the US) x (North American population) = (pedophiles in North America)

(326,667/309,153,000)*528,720,588=558,673

With the total pedophile estimation in North America, we will apply it to the fraction of WoW players in North America.

(fraction of WoW players in North America) x (pedophiles in North America) = (pedophiles in North America that play WoW)

(2,500,000/528,720,588)*558,673=2,642

Finally we can arrive at a percent of North American WoW players that are pedophiles.

2,642/2,500,000=0.10568%

About 0.11% of North America WoW players are convicted pedophiles. There could be more! That's fucking scary! For every 1000 players on your server, at least one of them is a pedophile!

Further more, if there are about 200 US servers, than 2,500,000, then 2,500,000/200=12,500, and 12,500*0.011=137.5! This means there are 138 lurking pedophiles on your server!

This one time, I rolled a female dwarf rogue called Samantha, but I deleted it and someone took the name later on. Anyways, people actually believed I was some sort of 12 year old girl, and kept giving me free shit like bags, loot rolls, and dungeon runs. There is something wrong with this one hunter who would greet me every time I logged in and would tell me everything about his day. Creepy much? I played along and got tons of free stuff, yay! That's how you make lots gold kids without any work at all while leveling from 1 to mid 40s!

TLDR: It is estimated that there are about 138 pedophiles on your server!

Gear Progression

Notice the big shoulder pads.

Wtf is wrong with herbalism?

Don't get mad at me, get mad at vegans! They do this stuff all the time! I need my glyph of bumpunch!

Laser Turkey Moonfire

The Crazy Walrus Peeps

This is a walrus people. They like to steal children. You see, they will sell you a very nice fishing pole (also seen in the picture), but only under the condition that you bring them an inordinate amount of wolverine people-kids. They want them under the guise of "Planning for the Future," since they also send you to KILL THE FREAKING WOLVERINE PEOPLE! What the heck is wrong with these guys? They are all like, "I'ma let you finish, but AMG I KILL YOU!" And then they send some douchebag in to steal the now orphaned children. By shoving them in a bag. 12 of them at a time. In a single bag. All for a better fishing rod. These walrus peeple are truly the most evil beings in all of Northrend.

Seriously, what would you do if you saw some dood shoving children in a sack?

Celestial Steed

Welcome to Dalaran.

How to play a retribution paladin

Everyone makes fun of paladins and how they're so easy to play, that everyone's mom plays a paladin. That's because they are! I can show YOUR mom how to play a ret pally! She can even take on the Lich King!

Set your hot bar like in the image above. 1 for Judgement (any), 2 for Divine Storm, 3 for Consecrate, and 4 for Crusader Strike. Optionally, you can set Divine Shield and Hearthstone right beside each other. But bubble and hearth is essential for any good paladin hot bar set up.

First off, put on an aura, a blessing buff, and a damaging seal spell.

Now the rotation goes as follows: Bash hotkeys 1, 2, 3, and 4 at the same time. Voila, now you are a pro paladin. Ever wonder how your recount shows paladins doing insanely high dps? You can seriously just bash those 4 buttons all day with one hand and eat a taco in the other hand and still be super good dps!

How to play a bear druid

Right now, the easiest way for a beginner to play a bear druid is to make a face like this bear:

Set your hot bar ass shown in the image, and you too can as awesome as that bear (Swipe, Maul, Mangle, Faerie Fire, and Lacerate). When pulling multiple mobs, just bash the 1 and 2 keys as furiously as possible. For single target pulls, just simultaneously bash 2, 3, 4. Very easy right? But no class is easy mode. The trick in this case to be an awesome bear is to occasionally press 5. Easy right? One last gimmick, when your rage is getting full, just simultaneously bash 1, 2, 3, 4!

If this bear can be a pro tank, so can you! Just because bears have big paws that cannot accurately press a particular button doesn't mean you can't simultaneously bash a few buttons to win!

In the coming expansion, bears need updated models. I hope that they will have armor showing like this bear: